Rowza's Ridiculous Critical Thinking

Thoughts on the stupid things in life

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I wonder if anyone else uses crying as a means to gauge their happiness... I cry a lot these days. Every day, almost. To me, that means I'm unhappy - that something needs to be fixed. I also wonder if, like me, others struggle to pin-point what it is that is making them sad. It almost seems like everything makes me sad - I find it hard to dismiss rude or hurtful comments, or to ignore how they make me feel after a while.

Maybe it has to do with not having friends right now. Maybe I'm lonely? I don't know. Maybe I'm unhappy where I am, but I don't think so. Maybe it's all of my failed attempts to keep a smile on my face that get to me. I'm just so sad and don't understand why. Everything hurts my feelings, and all I want to do is hide and cry myself to sleep and see if when I open my eyes I will be better.

I also feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel. The ones I do talk to, judge me, so I try not to anymore. It's hard though, keeping it inside. I just want to go away somewhere and be by myself... And maybe that's the problem - that I need to spend more time with myself figuring out what's wrong. I need to spend more time with myself. I don't tell myself that I'm mean, or that I'm moody. I don't tell myself I'm acting like a baby whenever I cry. I don't tell myself that I make me unhappy or that nobody remembers or cares about me. To be honest, I don't tell myself much at all (is that worse?)...

But I think writing helps. Letting it out helps. I just wish the screen could write back to me and tell me how to fix myself. I wish the screen could give me unbiased, nonjudgmental advice. I wish I had a friend to tell me everything is ok, even if it isn't. Honestly, I just need a friend.


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