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Rowza's Ridiculous Critical Thinking

Thoughts on the stupid things in life

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I wonder if anyone else uses crying as a means to gauge their happiness... I cry a lot these days. Every day, almost. To me, that means I'm unhappy - that something needs to be fixed. I also wonder if, like me, others struggle to pin-point what it is that is making them sad. It almost seems like everything makes me sad - I find it hard to dismiss rude or hurtful comments, or to ignore how they make me feel after a while.

Maybe it has to do with not having friends right now. Maybe I'm lonely? I don't know. Maybe I'm unhappy where I am, but I don't think so. Maybe it's all of my failed attempts to keep a smile on my face that get to me. I'm just so sad and don't understand why. Everything hurts my feelings, and all I want to do is hide and cry myself to sleep and see if when I open my eyes I will be better.

I also feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel. The ones I do talk to, judge me, so I try not to anymore. It's hard though, keeping it inside. I just want to go away somewhere and be by myself... And maybe that's the problem - that I need to spend more time with myself figuring out what's wrong. I need to spend more time with myself. I don't tell myself that I'm mean, or that I'm moody. I don't tell myself I'm acting like a baby whenever I cry. I don't tell myself that I make me unhappy or that nobody remembers or cares about me. To be honest, I don't tell myself much at all (is that worse?)...

But I think writing helps. Letting it out helps. I just wish the screen could write back to me and tell me how to fix myself. I wish the screen could give me unbiased, nonjudgmental advice. I wish I had a friend to tell me everything is ok, even if it isn't. Honestly, I just need a friend.

How is one supposed to feel when her only friend is unsympathetic towards her feelings? When there is no one compassionate enough to say "I'm here for you". How do you feel when someone that's gone through it before says "I've been through worse. Get over it." How do you cope? How do you still smile at them, knowing that they once felt your pain and they don't care? How do you prove that you're worthy of that empathy? How do you prove you're not lying in exchange for attention? How do you not see yourself as a loser? What goes through your mind when realize you didn't understand people in the same situation you are now in? You think back at your perspective, and how you thought those things were so easy to get over - that they were just being big babies. How does it feel to feel weak? How does it feel to feel pathetic?

How does it feel to know that the person you need the most has left you alone - because you abandoned them first?

It feels like guilt... like I'm so sorry...